18 Aug Hollywood lies about love, here is the truth
The Real Soul-Mate: Tolkien’s Surprising Marriage Advice
In 1941, J. R. R. Tolkien wrote a letter to his son Michael with complete counterintuitive wisdom on love. It made me cringe to read it, but it also made sense.
In it, he wrote to his son the sobering truth that nearly all marriages, even happy ones, are mistakes. I know, say what??!!
It sounds bad, but Tolkien didn’t mean a mistake in the usual sense of the word, as some terrible thing we should undo. What he meant was that in an ideal world, or with the help of a crystal ball, most of us might have chosen differently. I know, ouch !!
Not because our hubby, wifey, or partner is wrong for us, but because no human relationship is perfect. In a “more perfect” reality, we might find a more “suitable” match, but this world isn’t perfect. And chasing those illusions just tends to destroy the good we already have.
Here’s the key line from Tokien’s letter: “But the ‘real soul-mate’ is the one you are actually married to. In this fallen world, we have as our only guides prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean heart, and fidelity of will.”
Why does this feel so hard to accept
Most of us cringe from Tolkien’s idea because “settling” has become a dirty word. We have been told our whole life to “never settle,” to keep looking until we find the person who checks every box, that there is a perfect fit waiting somewhere, if only we’re patient and determined enough.
The trouble is, “perfect” is a moving target. We, too, constantly change, feelings fade, circumstances change, and people grow in all sorts of unexpected directions. When the first hit of infatuation wears off, many believe they made the wrong choice and that their “real” soul-mate must be someone else. In a world of dating apps and infinite options, the temptation to test that belief can be strong.
What people tend to think is that “settling” means giving up on what you truly deserve, or admitting that you couldn’t “win” the best. Yikes!! But Tolkien’s use of the word “mistake” wasn’t about standards; it was about trading in the illusion of “perfect” for the reality of commitment.
The reframe: from settling to choosing
Tolkien claims that love is less about finding “the one” who will complete you, and more about choosing – again and again – to be faithful and committed to the person you have. That choice is where the magic happens. When he says “the real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to,” he is trying to point to a deeper truth: the bond you build is more important than the compatibility you start with, and that imperfection is the soil in which romance matures. This is where shared history, inside jokes, quiet resilience, and hard-earned trust grow.
What about “The One?”
Some people are convinced that “the one” is out there, their perfect match, waiting to be found. It’s a beautiful belief. Hollywood is making billions with it, but it can set us up for unrealistic expectations and disappointment. If we expect our soul-mate to fit effortlessly in every season of life, the ordinary bumps and frictions of a relationship can start to feel like signs we chose wrong. Tolkien flips the script: “The real soul-mate is the one you are actually married to.” His point is to put the magic where it belongs, in the choosing, the building, the shared history. “The one” is a person you make into yours through the life you create together. Every. Single. Day.
For our neurodivergent friends
For those of us with ADHD, Tolkien’s vision of “choosing your partner again and again” can feel like death. ADHD brains crave novelty and can perceive long-term commitment as a loss of freedom, even when the security is deeply wanted. If this is you, remember: stability doesn’t have to mean vanilla, stagnation or boredom, and commitment can be reframed as a daily act of choice. You can have the depth and security Tolkien admired and the aliveness your brain craves. It takes work and requires creative thinking, but you can build novelty and freedom into commitment. Keep your relationship alive with micro-adventures, creative projects, and clear boundaries that protect your autonomy.
Key takeaways
The word settling can feel like having no say, which can be kryptonite for some. So instead, treat commitment as a series of voluntary choices, not a one-time trap. Each day you choose to be with your partner is a fresh act of freedom, not a life sentence you can’t escape.
You might even phrase it to yourself like: “Today I’m choosing this person again because they matter to me, and I’m free to make that choice.”
Tolkien’s advice is both sobering and liberating: Don’t waste your life chasing a fantasy. Commit to the real, imperfect human in front of you, and let that commitment shape you both. Not because they are perfect, but because they are yours. In the end, marriage isn’t a prize for finding “the one.” It’s the work – and the joy – of becoming the one for each other.
And isn’t that a beautiful way of committing fully and truly landing in your life as it is right now?